The Telephone
by MaNiC PaNiC
Summary: Hogwarts gets a telephone...random madness, not very proud of this one :|


I don't own anything, obviously, so…yeah. J

This is a little something I wrote in fifteen minutes max. I realize it's extremely stupid, OOC, and all that. But I'm new here. No, this is not an excuse for the extreme lameness of this fic. This was just the only thing I could fish up out of the black hole of my MS Word folder that was semi-finished. I'm kind of afraid if I don't post anything the ff.net people will kick me off for inactivity or something…so that's why I put this up. I'm working on a REALLY long HP humor fic, which is _so much better than this, but it ain't finished yet. Read that one when it comes out, k? For now, here is 'The Telephone'. I wrote it for three reasons: 1) I was bored 2) I was up to my ears in Mary-Sue fics, which I am not particularly fond of, and 3)…er… Okay, I only had two reasons. J Anyway, the story starts off in the Hogwarts main office. (Do they even have one? Lol, I don't think so) They have just decided, for some unknown reason, to put a muggle telephone in this very office, which makes most of the faculty very unhappy. Right at this minute, the phone has just rung for the umpteenth time…_

***

"You get it!" hissed Snape, "I was against installing those Muggle contraptions in the first place. Ruins the atmosphere. You're walking around trying to concentrate on decoding the secret to an ancient spell, and that damn thing's all 'ring! Ring!'. Just 'Ring! Ring!' all the time." Snape waved his arms around dramatically and left the room in a huff, still muttering to himself.

            "Well, you're going to have to answer it sooner or later," replied Minerva crossly, shouting to him from within the office.  "I've got better things to do than play Miss Secretary all the time." With a sigh, she walked over to the telephone. It was still ringing, sending out a harsh note that echoed around the room. Snape's right, Minerva thought as she picked up the receiver, it is rather obnoxious.

            "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Minerva McGonagall speaking." she answered brusquely. The voice on the other end was light and airy, barely holding out through the chaotic static that bounced through the airwaves. Long distance,  thought Minerva sullenly. This can't be good. 

            "Hello? Hello, is this the Hogwarts office? Hello?" The voice had an odd quality to it, and it took Minerva a full two minutes to deduce what it was. The voice had an accent. An American accent, to be precise. Well, at least it wasn't the Ministry, she conceded. But who did they have contacts with in America?

            "Yes, yes," she said hurriedly, "This is Hogwarts."

            "Oh! Very good, then. I was just calling to make an inquiry about my daughter."

            "Your daughter?" Minerva started for the filing cabinet where student records were kept. That was funny, she couldn't recall even one American student. Well, that's what age'll do to you, she thought. "What is her name?"

            "Oh, she doesn't go to your school." The voice explained. Then why are you calling me!? Minerva mouthed silently. 

            "Then what can I do for you?" Minerva's voice was starting to sound strained. 

            "Allow me to explain. I'm Mrs. Jadeylyn MoonGlitter."

            _Ouch thought Minerva. And she thought being named after a Roman goddess was difficult enough!_

            "Yes, Mrs.…Mrs..uh..MoonGlitter?"

            "Yes, well, you see I have a daughter who just isn't being challenged enough at our local magic academy. She's at the top of her class but her intellect is just going to waste. She's extremely bright. And you have such a wonderful reputation. I was wondering if you'd be good enough to allow my Melody to attend your school for a semester? That's her name; Melody. Melody StarFire. It'd have to be an exchange-student situation, seeing as we live so far apart. But I'm sure you can manage. You'll just adore Melody. She's such a sweet girl." She then provided several tedious descriptions of her child, which Minerva wrote down only to stay awake. After five minutes, she ripped the paper off the table, stuffed it in her pocket, and interrupted the light voice. 

            "Well, I don't really have the authority in this sort of situation. I'll have to talk to the headmaster. Please hold." Minerva pressed a blue button on the phone's console. Instantaneously, Celestina Warbeck's new hit played over the extension. "Please hold." A feminine and somewhat mechanical voice whispered in a soothing tone. "Your call is important to us. Really."  Minerva shook her head in disgust. She really had to turn that feature off. It amazed her that Muggles really liked that sort of stuff. If she'd had to wait on a phone for hours, she could not be coaxed into placidity by a nasally robot. She grabbed her sweater and flung it over her shoulders as she started for the office of Albus Dumbledore. When she arrived, she knocked heavily on the wooden door. She really hated to bother him. After all, he was a great wizard, one whose extraordinary mind would be more useful tuned into things of vastly important nature. The door swung open, and she stepped in. Dumbledore was playing darts. Okay, well, there goes the things of vastly important nature theory. 

            The dartboard at which he was playing was brightly colored, and it squirmed around on the wall to avoid the old wizard's aim. Dumbledore stuck his tongue out in concentration and tossed an orange dart in the direction of the board. The board itself skittered away, the dart neatly pinning itself on a tattered map of the school's corridors. 

            "You suck!!" the dartboard exclaimed jauntily.

            "What _is that thing?!" Minerva asked, eyeing it as if she had already decided it was something worthy only of the dustbin._

            Dumbledore sighed. "It's an Ever-Moving Fartboard."

            "Fartboard?"

            "Yes." Dumbledore sighed again. The dartboard let out a convincingly flatulent noise.

            "That's disgusting."

            "I know it. They're very popular with the kids today, though. Especially the boys. Argus confiscated this one from a second grader named Adrian Clift." The old wizard gazed sadly at the toy. "I'm no good at it. My hand-eye coordination's nothing what it used to be. It's been screaming vulgar comments at me all day. Rather stupid, if you ask me."

            Minerva had no idea why, but the word 'stupid' suddenly reminded her of why she had come in the first place.

            "Albus?"

            "Yes, Minerva?"

            "I've got somebody on the phone downstairs. They have a question about admissions, and I really didn't know what the policy was on foreign exchange students."

            "Foreign exchange students? How delightful! Of course, I'd be glad to accept them."

            "Really?" McGonagall said rather dubiously. 

            "Why, of course! We must broaden our horizons! Expand our tastes."

            "Albus, you don't understand. It's a _girl. From __America__." _

            "Uh oh. That might be trouble. Have you got any more information about her?"

            "As a matter of fact, I do." Minerva pulled the rumpled paper from the pockets of the robe and began to read it.

            "She'll be an incoming fifth year. Name's Melody StarFire MoonGlitter. Top of her class at New York Magical Academy. Thick, waist-length blonde hair, sky blue eyes, creamy complexion. 5'7" and 101 pounds. Very athletic. Captain of the quidditch team at NYMA." Minerva dropped the paper. "Need I go on?"

Dumbledore had a grimacing look on his face. "No. You're right. We can't accept her."

"I know. I hate to be discriminating, but are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yes.", he said gravely, twirling a dart between his fingers, "Mary Sue."

"Mary Sue." Echoed the transfiguration teacher. 

Mary Sue had been a student five years ago. She, too, had been an exchange student from the vast continent of America. She was beautiful, smart and athletic. And she gave them hell. Always running off, trying to save the world, and then sobbing when her makeup ran. Many of their more noble staff members had been seriously injured trying to save Mary Sue from certain death whenever she found the need to save the planet. She had a good heart, but her tactics were way off. After all, going up to the face of Lord Voldemort and saying, "You're mean and you shouldn't kill people." doesn't exactly cut it. Yes, it had been a difficult year. Not to mention, she was found making out with the Gryffindor Quidditch captain far too many times. No, it wasn't worth risking another Mary Sue. 

            "I'll run down and tell her, then." Minerva said, starting from the door.

            "And tell that girl to eat more protein," added Dumbledore. "It's not good being that underweight." The old man picked up another dart and tossed it at the board, which evaded it once again.

            "Stupid-ass!!" it shrieked. Minerva shot it a death glare and left the office. Back in her own room, she picked up the telephone. 

            "Hello? Mrs. LitterMoon? GlitterMoon? MoonGlitter? Are you there?"

            "Yes, I'm here. It's about time, too. You really should get better hold music. I can't stand Celestina Warbeck. Have you seen the way she dresses? Scandalous! What sort of message is that sending to the youth of today? Humph. Anyway, about what time should I have Melody-StarFire arrive in London so she won't miss the train? Sunday two o' clock, perhaps?."

            "I'm sorry, Mrs. MoonGlitter, perhaps I haven't made it clear enough, but we've decided not to accept your daughter."

            "WHAT?!"

            "I do regret it, but the headmaster says we don't have enough…uh…room in the..uh..dormitories."

            "The HELL you don't!" shrieked the woman, suddenly exploding from Ms. Proper to screaming tyrant. 

            "I'm _sorry, ma'am, we—"_

            "Bias! Prejudice! Dis-crim-i-NATION! I'm going to call my lawyers RIGHT NOW!" As the woman screamed her voice became British, her entire mannerism fading away. In fact, she sounded almost masculine, and faintly familiar…

            "Lucuis!? Lucius MALFOY?!" McGonagall screamed into the receiver. "What _are you doing?!" _

            " I was hoping to plant a girl spy to infiltrate the school for the glory of Voldemort, but …ah..um—I mean.."

            "Mr. Malfoy! You of all people, a Death Eater?! Well, I'd let you rot in Azkaban for the rest of your days, but seeing as you donate 5000 galleons to the school each year, I'll pretend I never heard it. Deal?" 

            "Okay." Malfoy's voice was low and sheepish. The receiver clicked.  McGonagall sighed. The telephone….root of all evil. She settled down in her chair to ponder the bizarre thing that just happened. Lucius Malfoy. Of all people. Suddenly, a sharp noise cut through the stillness. Brrring! Brring! Minerva stared at the phone for a couple of seconds before taking out her wand and blasting it to pieces. Ahh..much, much better. After a few blissful minutes of contemplation, Minerva McGonagall was once again interrupted, this time by the voice of Albus Dumbledore a thousand times larger than life.

            "Hello students and staff!" it said cheerfully. 

"What?!" McGonagall turned round the room, looking in every possible place a wizened old wizard can hide. 

            "Where ARE you?"

            "Up here!"

            For the first time, she noticed a small metal grate on the wall closest to her desk.

            "It's the new PA system! We got it installed last week! I'd say those muggles have the right idea, this is FABULOUS! Now Severus can sing his new opera piece to the ENTIRE school at once! Isn't that miraculous?"

            Professor McGonagall rose, dusted herself off, went over to the nearest wall, and hit her head against it roughly forty-eight times before setting off for her Ravenclaw transfiguration class. 

THE END

Now was that weird, or was that weird? *shakes head* I'm really sorry about that one. My next ones will be MUCH better, I swear. ;)


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